Jokes

My father-in-law is hilarious. He recorded the lotto numbers from a news broadcast the night before on DVR then picked a ticket containing those numbers for his wife. Seeing my mother-in-law brought to tears of joy and played that had was the greatest thing ever. Too bad they’re old people and didn’t record the shit.

North Korea is like that angry drunk guy at a party. everyone is trying to calm him down but he’s convinced he needs to fight someone.

I said to my wife, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” She giggled and said, “No” I said, “Doesn’t that tell you something?”

Oh look, North Korea wants attention again.

If Godzilla had a son, his name would be Jesuszilla.

I was going to buy some Viagra when the cashier asked what I needed it for…. Without saying anything I whipped out a picture of my wife.

New Years Resolution:
-Date more models.
-(Revised) Date more girls.
-(Re-revised) Date a girl. -(Re-re-revised) Talk to a girl. -(Re-re-re-revised) Find a girl. -(Re-re-re-re-revised) Cry less while masturbating.

So, the officer stops me and asks for my license and registration. After handing them to him, he asks who the car belongs to. I tell him it’s my wife’s and he asks if I have some kind authorization, because apparently you have to have some proof that you’re allowed to ride a car that’s not yours.. So I replied: “Sir, I ride the OWNER of this car personally with no authorization, do you really expect me to have an authorization to ride her car?” Officer silently hands me back my papers and salutes me.

I’ve been on vacation all week, with the house to myself. I think my penis just filled a restraining order against my hand.

I just realized why they call it “The mall”.
Instead of going to one store just go to “them all”
Them all =The Mall.
Clever.