Jokes

We ask 18-years-olds to make huge decisions about their career and financial future, when a month ago they had to ask to go to the restroom.

No one’s an atheist 30 seconds before an orgasm.

Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

Fires tell their kids not to play with Chuck Norris.

These new anti-depressants I got from the doctor are brilliant.

I felt much better as soon as I put a dozen in my wife’s food.

Porn is so unrealistic. I’ve been watching for 20 minutes now and no one has checked their phone.

A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone 6

during a random drugs test i got asked “have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours?”
as i look back on it now i realise “what day is it?” probably wasn’t the best answer.

Me at work: “don’t talk to me until I have my coffee”
Colleague: “but you don’t even drink coffee!”
Me: “exactly”

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant. She is furious… Here she’s in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her.. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; “How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?” There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, “Did you hear me?” Finally she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”