Jokes

I love watching women’s Curling during the Olympics.
It’s the only time I can drink beer while cheering on a woman sweeping a broom…without getting slapped.

I pulled my wife bleeding from the wrecked car, as she screamed and pleaded for me to let her have one more shot at parking it again.

Got a porno the other day, I put it in the DVD player but it was just a dark blurry picture of some guy holding his massive cock. Then I realised I hadn’t switched the TV on!

Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.

Insanity is believing your hallucinations are real.
Religion is believing other people’s hallucinations are real.

Hello sir, we’re from your internet provider. You’ve recently said that “homosexuality is wrong,” so we’ve blocked you from seeing lesbian porn.

I walked into a barbershop today.
The guy said, “Can I help you sir?”
I said, “I just need a short cut”, as I walked through the shop and out through the back door.

I walked in last night and my wife said, “Where have you been?”
I said, “Playing poker at Dave’s.”
She said, “Ok, what have you lost this time?”
I said, “I won actually.” “Oh,” she replied. “I bet his wife wasn’t too happy.” “She was furious,” I replied. “But she fucked me anyway.”

This girl was chatting me up at the pub.

“So, what do you do for a living?” she asked, batting her eyelids over her glass.”
“I’m a boxer,” I said proudly. “Oh, lovely!” she winked. “I like sleeping with real men.” Funny how she could be so impressed that I work for Amazon.

I danced like nobody was watching and now I need a lawyer.