Jokes

When I was a kid, I was told that bad people would come up to me on the street and offer me drugs, booze, and sex.
So where the fuck are these people?

They say that the average man ejaculates at 20mph.
I’m clearly not average then…
My new girlfriend has been with a lot of guys and according to her, I definitely cum much quicker than all of them!

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, “I want her home before midnight.” The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied….
“But you already own her home!”

My wife and I have an open relationship. Found out last night.

Took grandma to a Chinese restaurant yesterday. She used her chopsticks to knit a sweater out of her noodles.

Me: “When I die, I want to die making love.”
Wife: “At least it will be a very quick death.”