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Jokes

  • My cousin has dark hair. His wife is blonde. All four of their kids have light colored hair.

    Genetically speaking, there’s a 15 in 16 chance that she’s cheating.

  • Why does Milton Keynes have so many roundabouts?

    It’s so that if you’re driving into Milton Keynes, you can easily turn around, and then you won’t be driving into Milton Keynes any more.

  • I think it’s fair to say my Aunt Bessie has a drinking problem.

    She thinks I’m twins.

  • Why was the clock on the pillow?

    Someone hit the snooze button!

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  • A man drinks alone at the Empire State Buildings rooftop bar

    Soon, a stranger sits next to him and after a few more drinks they get to chatting.”Want to hear something amazing?” asks the stranger.”Shoot,” replies the man.”So there’s a fun fact about this building. You see how high up we are? Well, the higher up you go the stronger the wind gets, and up here it’s so strong that if you tried to jump off the edge it would just pick you right back up again and dump you on the roof!””Bullshit,” says the man. “I wasn’t born yesterday””I’m serious!” replies the stranger, his eyes twinkling with drunken confidence. “Look, I’ll show you. But you need to buy me a drink after”The man thinks this is obviously a joke so he agrees. The stranger loosens his tie, steps up to the edge of the roof, takes a deep breath, and jumps.Amazingly, he drops ten feet before he zips up, carried by the wind which takes him around the building through the air three times before dropping him on his feet on the edge of the roof.The man is amazed. “Oh my god! That’s incredible! Here, take your drink. I need to try this”So the man steps up to the edge. He loosens his tie. He takes a deep breath. He jumps.

  • A man joins a sports team and needs to buy a jock strap

    He’s very nervous about this having never purchased one before. He enters the store silently praying that he won’t be helped by a saleswoman. He gets to the jock strap section and there is a saleswomen in the isle. Before he can turn around and run away, she says enthusiastically says “May I help you?” He softly and reluctantly says “ok I guess, I need to buy a jock strap….”. She says “sure I can help, do you know what size you are?” He says, “I don’t know?” So she holds up one finger in the air, indicating if the width of her finger is his size, “are you this big?” He says confidently “Oh no, I’m much bigger than that!” She holds up 2 fingers together “are you this big?” He looks, “No, I’m bigger than that”. She holds up 3 fingers together “how about this big?” He says “Yes that looks about right!” She shoves all 3 fingers into her mouth and says “Medium!”

  • Why do golfers always bring two pairs of pants?

    Just in case they get a hole in one

  • Today I took a taxi. The passenger before me had left his wallet behind on the backseat

    Inside was a picture of my wife and kids.

  • When I was younger, I lost my virginity to a prostitute and only lasted 3 secs..

    I think it was the whoremoans that set me off.