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Jokes

  • My favourite childhood memory is making mud pies with my grandad. Until mom found out and hid the urn.

  • I went for a tattoo.

    I told the tattooist that I wanted a tattoo of an Indian on my back.

    Half way through I said “put a tomahawk in his right hand.”
    “Tomahawk.?” “I have just finished his turban.”

  • I hate double standards.

    Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

    Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

  • Why do Welsh people immediately fall asleep when you ask them how many sexual partners they’ve had?

    Because it’s well known that counting sheep helps you nod off more quickly.

  • Doctor: If you want to lose some weight, quit eating fatty.
    Me: Like fatty foods?  chips and dip?
    Doctor: NO, quit eating Fatty!!!

  • I had a dream! I dreamed that in 2021 there’s a new viral gastroenteritis: COSHIT.

    We all go around in diapers, and remember the 2020 masks with a pale, romantic sadness!

  • A man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him…
    She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
    He answered, “That’s okay”.
    “I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Goodbye Mum” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy”.
    She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mother”. The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
    Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries. “That comes to $121.85”, said the clerk.
    “How come so much. I only bought 5 items?”
    The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d pay for

  • The makers of Viagra have announced that they’ve developed a pill to increase the wetness in women…
    The pill will be called Niagra.

  • 2020 is still better than my first marriage

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