Jokes

Him: What are you up to?
Me: Looking at cakes.
Him: What’s the occasion?
Me: I love cake.

My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

nce, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sin and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor..

“Father, I have sinned..”
“Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you..” “Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, its been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house; nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her..” “Thats bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake..” “Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too..” “Thats not very good of you..” “Father, last month, I went to her uncles house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too..” “Father..? Father..?” suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the father was not there.. So he began searching for him. “Father? Where are you..?” He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. “Father, why are you hiding here..?” “Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me..”

Im gonna laugh when the day comes when our generation is saying.
“You spoiled little brats! All we had in our day was Xbox’s, PS3’s, Androids, flat-screen tv’s & laptops, you ungrateful little shit!”

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him ‘Buddy’ or ‘Lassie’. I call mine ‘Sex’.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, ‘I would like to have one too!’ Then I said, ‘But she is a dog!’ He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, ‘You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.’ He replied, ‘You must have been quite a strong boy.’
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, ‘But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.’ He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, ‘You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.’ The clerk said, ‘Me too!’ One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. ‘You don’t understand,’ I said, ‘I hoped to have Sex on TV.’ He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, ‘Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.’ The Judge said, ‘Me too!’ Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, ‘I’m looking for Sex.’ — My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, ‘What seems to be the trouble?’ I replied, ‘Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.’ and the doctor said, ‘Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so get yourself a dog!!!’

Never get into an arm wrestling match with a guy who has been alone for 6 months

She calls it the silent treatment, I call it heaven on earth.

My father taught me about the birds and the bees.
Now I’m dating a blackbird that swallows.