Jokes

I opened a new bottle of wine today and let it breathe…
It didnt look to be breathing so I gave it mouth to mouth!

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

I don’t understand the point of lap dancing clubs.

…If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.

I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.

Why is Friday the most feminine day of the week?

It takes forever to come.

So this guy at my school wanted to do cheerleading but it’s not co-ed and everyone was calling him gay. They said that wrestling was a much more manlier sport. And he replied with, “so, you’re telling me that rolling around with sweaty, muscular guys in tights is less gay than having full physical contact with girls in short skirts and lifting them above your head?”

Heard on the radio today that global warming is being caused by methane emissions from cows. Does this mean scientists are finally admiting global warming is bullshit?

When women have a few cocktails, they often discuss a few cock tales.

I’ve been married to my wife ten years today. Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.
I don’t know how she does it.

I sell security alarms door to door, and I’m really good at it. I mean if they aren’t home…. I just leave a brochure on their kitchen table.