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Jokes

  • watch

    While at the mall the other day, I saw a sign saying “Watch repairs”…

    Wasn’t very interesting to be honest, I’d rather watch porn!!

  • one day

    baby: ” you mean to tell me one day I’m gonna have to pay to suck on boobies!?”
    mom: ” yes,now suck it”

  • gentlemen

    My boyfriend opened the car door for me last night. It would have been a sweet gesture had we not been going 70 mph.

  • like her

    A completely wasted man walked into a bar and after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
    “WHY YOU DRUNK BASTARD, WORTHLESS SON OF A BITCH!” she screamed.
    “Funny..” he muttered, rubbing his red cheek, “You even sound exactly like her..”

  • offshore

    I’ve deposited so much sperm in the sperm bank..

    I’ve had to open up an Offshore Wank account..

  • lack of evidence

    My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled
    “You’re being charged for being good in bed…”
    After 2 minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

  • no p

    A sign at my local swimming pool:
    WELCOME TO OUR OOL
    NOTICE THERE IS NO P IN IT, WE WOULD LIKE TO KEEP IT THAT

  • incomplete

    According to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10 people…

  • arm

    A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
    “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

  • red duck

    A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
    On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Paul, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.
    After seeing this, the teacher asked him, “Paul, how many times have you seen a red duck?”
    Young Paul replied with, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding a freaking umbrella.”