Jokes

One day a man returns home to his wife telling her that he was fired from his job at a deli mart. His wife asked why and he said, “after all the years I have worked there, I have always wanted to stick my penis into the meat grinder, and today was the day I completely lost my patience and finaly stuck it in there.
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McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up,

I wish I’d never put it on now

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.”The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says “Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You’re a smart man.” Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender “Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!” Bartender says “Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”

You know the sex was great when your room looks like a scene from ghostbusters.
Stuff thrown everywhere, and covered in slime.

Got stopped by a policeman today. “Any idea how fast you were going back there?”

He said “I’ll ask the questions”

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

How Girls Rate Guys:
(Looks + money + humor + intelligence)
So if you score a 0 on looks and humor, but have a 1 on intelligence and money, you have a total score of 2.
How Guys Rate Girls: Looks x (intelligence + humor) So if you score a 1 on intelligence and a 1 on humor, but a 0 on looks, you have a total score of 0.