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Jokes

  • King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa. Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that. The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body. She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him. The moral of the story is no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.

  • my mate asked “what’s the secret to your happy marriage?”
    I replied.. “Chemistry…
    I’m on valium and the hubby’s on Prozac”

  • Did you know, anti-vaxxers don’t last as long in bed?
    …especially if the bed is in a hospital.

  • A Lady goes to confession.
    Lady: I think I am pregnant.
    Priest: How did this happen my child?
    Lady: I think it might have been the second coming.
    Priest: What makes you think it’s the second coming?
    Lady: Because I swallowed the first one father.

  • I went to the acupuncturist the other day.
    When I got home my voodoo doll was dead

  • I got fired from the keyboard factory today…
    It seems I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

  • A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
    He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
    The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
    “No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
    The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
    Bond explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
    The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
    “Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers….”
    The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!”
    Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”

  • What is James Bonds code name when he is abroad? +4407

  • My girlfriend is like terms and conditions
    Because I ignore everything she says and agree with her.

  • Success is relative….
    The more success, the more relatives you have!