Jokes

The most popular song in Russia right now is Crimea River.

Me: “Would you like to dance?”
Woman: “Hell no!”
Me: “Im sorry you misheard me. What I said was, you look fat in those pants”.

The first program of an emo-programmer is “Goodbye world”..

by bozhobg‎

What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar

A moment of silence for the beer that I forgot about in the freezer.

Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything…

…while simultaneously taking away your ability to do so.

A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around.
In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant wifi not wife

According to my penis, there’s a 99% chance I like you.

When a women says “what?” Its not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you’ve said.

WRONG, she’s challenging you to have some balls and repeat it.

The year is 2030. Ted Mosby is 52 years old, still sad and alone, while all his friends are married. He goes to a strip club, gets wasted, and ends up going home with one of the dancers, who happens to be a single mother. The morning after, as Ted prepares for the walk of shame, he walks out to find the woman’s two kids on the couch. They awkwardly ask how this random stranger in their house knows their mom. Ted, being his socially awkward self, tell these two children his entire life story, leading up to “HOW HE MET THEIR MOTHER.”