Jokes

I was at a night club till 3 am yesterday celebrating my wife’s birthday.

When I came back home, she was furious.

“You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm,” I told the prostitute.
“That’s not true,” she replied.
“Of course it is,” I laughed. “What do you mean?”
She said, “I’m a man.”

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied “1956, ma’am.” The woman, in disbelief said “1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.” The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956…” The general looked at her, confused, and replied “I sure hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

“Hello, I’d like to purchase a new brain”.

The clerk replies with “Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale”

“Here’s the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars.”

“Here’s our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars”.

The man, completely confused, asks “Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than of a physicist?”

“Because it’s never been used” The clerk replies.

I ate a small pizza, but it wasn’t enough, so I ate a bigger one, and then a bigger one…
They call it the dominoes effect.

A fast food worker gets home early from his night shift. His wife asks him: “Why are you home so early?”  He replies, “I put my fingers in the potato peeler and they chased me away”  The wife asks confused: “And the potato peeler?” “She also got fired”

Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.
Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, “you should pay your guys more!” The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, “they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that’s just not right!”.

Two behavioral psychologists have sex.

When they finish, one says to the other, “wow, you really enjoyed that! How was it for me?”

Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.