Jokes

I was in a serious relationship once.
We never smiled.

Sometimes I sit quietly and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum. Then I take a look at the people around me and think, maybe I already am.

MEN: If you ever want to know what a woman’s mind is like……
Just imagine a browser with 2,857 tabs open. ALL. THE. TIME.

“Please, just let me finish.” I said to my wife during an argument last night.

“No I will NOT let you finish!” she yelled, pulling me off the prostitute.

Having sex for money is illegal but most girls know clever tricks to get around it such as marriage.

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks “What’s that grandpa, can I have some?”
In response grandpa asks “I don’t know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?”
Taken aback the boy says “no” “Well when you can touch your dick to your asshole, come back here and I’ll share my whiskey with you.” Slightly offended Read More »my!

A buddy of mine told me he found himself in a strange place after his divorce.

He was standing in his kitchen.

I just saw a status posted by a female friend that said “I love my new car, I’m in heaven!” from a mobile device.

It doesn’t say how she died but I’m guessing from texting while driving.

There’s no problem that the proper application of alcohol can’t solve.

I had a shit in 3 different shops today.That may not seem like a big deal.

But only 1 of them had a toilet.