Jokes

After watching my son play Grand Theft Auto V, he certainly won’t be driving my car anytime soon.

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples.

“Thirteen glasses of water, please,” Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others.

Luke Skywalker and I went for Chinese. After many failed attempts by Luke to use the chopsticks, I was like,
Luke, USE THE FORKS!!

Just a reminder that mammogramming is more important than instagramming your boobs.
Awareness month c:

I was telling a girl in the bar about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

“Really?” she said. “Go on then… Try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. “Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?” “Yesterday?” I replied.

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says “Hey little girl.Read More »siren

My girlfriend treats me like God.
She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

My doctor told me that I was sterile today.

I can’t wait to get home and tell my girlfriend that I want to try for a baby.

My girlfriend complains all the time that she doesnt trust me, i dont know why, i mean my wife trusts me.