Jokes

My GF says she was born by Cesarean section.
I always wondered why she left my car through the sunroof.

My New Year’s Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.
I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow.

My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub
So I’ve started smoking.

My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!” I groaned, “No…”
“Sex that I can’t tell anyone about.”

A Chinese business man has been sharing photos of children crawling around and playing on top of a Lamborghini, saying that the happiness of children is the most valuable thing in the world. A million dollars worth Lamborghini is nothing compared to that. So he allow the kids to play and jump on top of the Lamborghini. The best part is that the kids are not his and neither is the Lamborghini.

I’ve read Masturbation may help prevent the common cold
Really hope so, I’ve run out of tissues.

I asked the hot girl in gym ” What’s your New Year Resolution?”
She said “Fuck you!”
I’m now eagerly waiting for the year to end!!

If having sex for money makes you a whore…
then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?