Jokes

Yesterday I was diagnosed as a kleptomaniac
I’m taking something for it three times a day.

My girlfriend said “Don’t talk about sex until we’re married”
Now we’re married she says “you can TALK about sex all you want..”

Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck.
Got up to check, but the mirror wasn’t working.

A guy asks his girlfriend for a blowjob.
She says “No, you won’t respect me enough to marry me and I love you.” After they’re married he asks her again, she says “Not yet, you won’t want to have children with a woman who you don’t respect.” So after they have children he asks her again, she says I’m still afraid you’ll lose respect for me, just wait.” So years go by, they’re grand parents now and he says “Look, I have proven my love and respect, you are my wife, you are the mother of my children, the grandmother to our grandchildren, I just want this little thing.” So that evening she makes his wish come true and gives him the blowjob he’s waited for so long for. Suddenly the phone rings, he gets up and answers it then covers the mouthpiece and says “Hey Cocksucker, it’s for you.”

I got home from the pub about midnight Sunday. The wife was sat in the armchair, crying her eyes out in the dark. I could see that some heartless bastard had upset her, but i knew it wasn’t me. I haven’t been home since Thursday.

Has there been any lesbian divorces yet…
I’m interested to see how both women will get 80% of the assets

I’ve just put a shit load of John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

A hot girlfriend is like a job
It’s easier to get one once you already have one…

In response to Sweden and Finland joining NATO, Russia introduces embargoes on Absolut and Finland.

My friend managed to fool me into volunteering in a cat shelter.
He said there was a lot of pussies I could play with.