Jokes

You can reduce the melt-rate of any ice cream you are holding by 12% by shouting IKEA furniture assembly instructions at it.

A local business owner was looking for office help.

The owner put a sign in the window that read: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.”A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. After going inside, the dog looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then he walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. The receptionist got the idea and told the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so the manager led the dog into his office.Inside, the dog jumped up onto a chair and started patiently staring at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says that you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, walked over to a computer and typed out a perfect letter and then signed his name. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, “I still can’t hire you. The sign says that you have to be good with computers too.” The dog then went over to the computer and typed up a program that ran perfectly on the first test. By now, the manager was totally dumbfounded and said to the dog, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and you have some interesting skills. However, I still can’t give you the job.” The dog jumped down and walked over to the sign and put his paw on the part where it said ‘equal opportunity employer’.The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”The dog calmly looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”

Want to know a job that isn’t doing very well right now

Archeology it’s in ruins!

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

How many Walmarts are in Iran?

None but there are 52 Targets

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: “Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed”!Adam: “Sorry, but I don’t find you attractive.”Witch: “Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed!Adam: “Nope. You’re hideous.”The witch then transformed him into an ant.Witch: “Look where your rudeness brought you! “Adam: “Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato.”Witch: “Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!”He is still adamant.

A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.“Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?”“No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss.Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past.“Oh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”

What do you call honey bee fetish?

Bee DSM

A skeleton walks into a bar,

he orders a beer and a mop

How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?