Jokes

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birds

Once upon a time, they were known as love birds.
Then they found love and got married.
Now, they’re angry birds!

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wish

I wish I could delete my trouser history.

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don`t wonder

if you are wondering what I look like without my shirt on.
my average McDonald bill is $15.57.v

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I was offered…

I’ve worked every day for the last 20 years, getting up at five in the morning, grafting until six at night, to struggle to pay for fuel, to pay my mortgage and put food in the cupboard. Today I was offered free heating, free accommodation and free cooked meals, with the added bonus that I wouldn’t even have to work for it.”I’ll take it!” I shouted to the judge.

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Putin

Russian President Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine for his work on clinical depression.

Apparently he can predict who will commit suicide the next week in London by just picking up his phone.

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better phone

As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.”Why don’t you get a better phone, mate?” he asked.”I don’t need one.” I replied. “My phone does everything that I need and it’s better than yours.”
He burst out laughing again. “Better than mine?” he roared. “Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I’ll give you my phone.”
“I don’t want your phone.” I said, “Mine’s the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?”
“You’re on!” he crowed. “Show me something with your phone and I’ll show you how mine is better”

Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.

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reason

I like to hug my enemies.
So I know how big to dig the hole to bury them in..

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sense of humor

Friend: I see you still haven’t lost your sense of humor
Me: I see you still haven’t found yours

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chance

My wife said “Tell me you love me”.

I replied, “Give me a fucking chance, I’m only on my 8th beer”.

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honest

I asked my boyfriend if he would stay with me when I get fat and ugly.

He said ” I’m already here…”