Some advice:

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after.

start

I’m about to start my work, but first let me disamble my stapler and name and polish every part.

not in a mood

I had to laugh last night when my boyfriend said he wasn’t in the mood for sex.

As if it’s an option.

wondering

Sometimes I stay awake wondering if there’s a number between 1 and 10 that thinks of me too.

dictionary

I’m going to purchase a dictionary, as after watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don’t understand the meaning of Final.

battery

My next door neighbors Smart car’s battery died…

I had to give him a jumpstart from my iPod.

distraction

Cell phones are a distraction while driving.
Says cops with radios, dash cams, laptops, cell phones, radars and donuts.

BBC news

“Welshman saves sheep by giving it the kiss of life”
….Thats the exact same thing I would have said to someone if I got caught getting it on with a sheep.