lying

If anyone ever tells you they’ve lost their voice,
They’re lying.

So do I

When Victoria Secrets commercials come on tv.
So do I.

SCORE

I heard some girl having sex moans through my window. in my best mortal kombat voice i could. I yelled FINISH HER!!! I heard alot of laughing.

really good..

Either my boyfriend has early signs of Parkinson’s or I just gave him a really good blow-job.

i can explain

I lost my phone, so if you find it I can explain the pictures.
I suspected my hamster had hypothermia so I needed to stick him somewhere warm, quickly.

best friend

A friend will share their lunch.
A good friend will buy you lunch.
A best friend will eat your lunch

Some advice:

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after.