dictionary

I’m going to purchase a dictionary, as after watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don’t understand the meaning of Final.

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battery

My next door neighbors Smart car’s battery died… I had to give him a jumpstart from my iPod.

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distraction

Cell phones are a distraction while driving. Says cops with radios, dash cams, laptops, cell phones, radars and donuts.

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BBC news

“Welshman saves sheep by giving it the kiss of life” ….Thats the exact same thing I would have said to someone if I got caught getting it on with a sheep.

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guess

They call me Mr. Rhetorical. Can you guess why?

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page six

I couldn’t buy perfume this week so I rubbed a magazine on my shirt. When people ask ” What’s that heavenly smell?” I say “Page six.”

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I always knew

I always knew you’d hurt me. I knew you’d break my heart and just walk away. Who the fuck steals someone’s beer!?

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I learned something

There’s one thing I’ve learnt working at Mcdonalds. I should have fucking tried harder at school.

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