Jokes

He says “That’s amazing! How did you create it, did you use your cellphone camera?” To which she replies “No, it was just sex”

So I’m pinned between these 2 choices and I can’t decide…which do you people of reddit think is best and Why? Also if you could get one which would you get and Why? Thanks in advance!

He had all the gear, the jacket the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis.So he went to the doctor and got put under the gas. When he woke up, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. When he was completely awake and ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.”This is my brothers card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him.”The man asks, “Is your brother a doctor too?”The doctor replies, “No, he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”[stolen]

Turns out they were from Tenko not Tesco.

The seasons come and go

He suspected his wife was having an affair and cheating on him during her lunch hour at work. One day, he decided to leave work at lunchtime to try and catch her in the act. When he arrives at his apartment he yells out “honey! Are you here? I thought we could have lunch together!” Sure enough, the wife was at the apartment and in the middle of having sex with her lover. She tells her lover that he has to hide quickly and so he does. The husband walks into the bedroom moments later to find his wife naked in bed. He exclaims “god dammit! I knew it! I knew you were cheating on me! Where is he? Where is this son of a bitch?” The wife cries and is adamant that she is not cheating on her husband, but the husband doesn’t believe her and begins tearing the apartment apart, trying to find the son of a bitch sleeping with his wife.Eventually, the husband has wrecked the apartment. He’s looked everywhere, in every closet, under every bed. There’s no one there. He was so sure, but his wife keeps telling him over and over that he’s crazy and that she’s not having an affair. Finally, the man starts to cool off and decides to go onto the balcony for a smoke. As he’s lighting up his cigarette, he sees two sets of fingers hanging onto the edge of his balcony. He looks over the railing and sees a man hanging to the side of his balcony. He yells “god dammit it! I knew it! You son of a bitch! You’re sleeping with my wife!” The man yells, begging the husband to help him and save his life. The man says he doesn’t know his wife and that he’s not sleeping with her. The husband doesn’t believe him and starts stomping on the man’s fingers, trying to get the man to let go and fall to his death. After several unsuccessful tries, the husband is so frustrated. He goes back into the apartment and unplugs his refrigerator and in a hot rage pushes it over the edge of the edge of balcony, ultimately pushing the man and himself to their deaths.Earlier that day in Heaven, God came up to the angel guarding the gates of Heaven and explained “so we are a bit backed up today. Don’t let anyone into Heaven unless they’ve had a really, really bad day. Got it?” The angel agrees and proceeds to ask all newcomers about how they ended up in Heaven. Eventually, the husband is greeted by the angel and the angel explains “Heaven is very backed up today, we are only allowing those in who have had a really bad day. So, how did you get here?”The husband says “I suspected my wife of cheating on me so I came home to find her naked. Initially, I could find no man in my apartment, but eventually I found the son of a bitch hanging to the side of my balcony! While trying to push him off I accidently killed myself.”The angel feels bad for the husband and allows him to enter Heaven. Next, another man approaches the angel and the angel tells him to explain how he got to Heaven.“Well” says the man, “I was doing yoga on my balcony, and I live on the 10th story of an apartment building, you know, when all of a sudden I stretched too much and accidently fell over the balcony! Luckily, though, I was able to grab hold of the balcony below mine, but then this maniac appeared, accusing me of sleeping with his wife and threw me off the balcony with a refrigerator! He killed us both!”The angel, a bit skeptical, allows the second man into Heaven. Afterwards, he is greeted by a third man. The angel tells the man to tell him how he got into heaven.The man replies, “I don’t know, man. I was sleeping with some dude’s wife and he came home so I hid in the refrigerator and then I died.”

“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him.“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.”“A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked.“Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”