My son was walking shirtless showing his 6 pack abs proudly and said ‘This didn’t happen by accident’
I said ‘ if you ask your mother,she would tell a different answer’ .

I was desperate and I couldn’t get a date with a girl to save my life until…
I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn’t expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right places. I said WOW and gave her my name. She gave me hers, so i asked what she did.

She said “I’m a Sunday school teacher.”

I said “Well, I Ain’t never been with a Christian woman before but I’m open minded about the whole affair.”

So we got in my Corvette and i was trying to impress her now. I headed to the fancyest place in town that didn’t take reservations. I asked her if she’d like to smoke a joint while we wait.

She said “Heavens no! What would i tell my sunday school children?” And I apologized.

I figure weed’s 50/50 some people do some people don’t, so i took a few puffs and then we got a table.

She ordered the lobster, I ordered the steak. I asked for the 2nd most expensive bottle of wine on the list, but when our waiter came to pour it, she declined saying “Heavens no! What would I tell my Sunday school children?”

I knew right then and there it was a bust. We ate our pricey meals. We talked and laughed. Had a great time at dinnet bur I drank that whole pricey bottle by myself thinking her Christ was one helluva cock blocker.

So I’m driving her home and we pass a cheap motel. I figure I’ve got nothing left to lose, so I say “Why don’t we get a room and fuck like bunnies?”

She says “I thought you’d never ask!”

I say “really? What will you tell your Sunday school children?”

She says, “The same thing I tell them every week…

YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRINK AND SMOKE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME!!!”

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole
Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

When my wife said she’d be with me until I was old and gray
I did not realize she meant 37

I was in a job interview.
The man asked me to show him an example of leadership skills.
“OK,” I replied. “I’m hired.”

Did you know

if you press the Clitoris and the G Spot at the same time, the vagina takes a screenshot and saves you in her memory forever

Front effect

All medicines have side effects.
Only Viagra has front effects.

There’s lots of ways to show someone that you love them…
Sex is my favorite.

A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city

Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.
While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley.
After thinking it over, he replies: “Well why the hell not. I haven’t tried much in my life and I’m not getting any younger.”
He digs through his pockets and pulls out a $5 bill.
“This is all I got,” he says and tries to hand it over.
“What the hell do you take me for? $5 won’t get you shit” the prostitute replies and walks off.
After a while, the wife comes back out and the couple continues down the street. As they pass an alley a woman shouts.
“You see. That’s what $5 gets you!”