Jokes

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I’d tell you a great time travel joke…
but you didn’t like it.

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Just sayin’

The phrase “until death do us part” was invented when the average lifespan was 35 years.

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@Eden Noelle

I never thought I’d be the type of person to get up early in the morning to exercise

And I was right.

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@the power of grey skull

Fingerprints are proof that God doesn’t trust us

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Neither me

Cop: Sir, are you drunk?
Me: No, occifer.
Cop: Step out of the car and say the alphabet backwards, please.
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: I’m impressed, I couldn’t do that sober. Me: Me neither.

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@Chillout

I asked God for a girlfriend by winter.

He canceled winter.

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@layra

Her: What do you want for
Christmas?
Me: Let me win an
argument

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@Nancy

Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

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@drunqueen

How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?

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@aic

I lost a fight with my wife today and I wasn’t even THERE