My therapist says I have a problem trusting people.
Or at least she claims she’s my therapist.

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I’d like to hear today’s special.
I said yeah
He said, today is special.
I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.
The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.

A wise man once told me to never give up on my dreams.
That is why I keep sleeping.

I got a world map for my wall, I’m going to put pins in all the places I’ve traveled to …
… but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I found an erectile dysfunction group online, it looks fun.
It can’t be hard to join

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic.
Fuck you that just was a lucky guess

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?
Error in connecting to the server

l finally told the hot woman at work how l really felt . She said she felt the same way . So she turned the air conditioning up higher.

Washington DC doesn’t need metal detectors, it needs lie detectors.

I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday…

My kleptomania is really getting out of hand…