Nothing like a nice cold beer after a nice cold beer.

A man finds a genie in a bottle
He rubs it. A genie pops out “you have two wishes”
The guy says “hold up, aren’t I supposed to get three wishes?”
the genie replies “Check your pants”
The guy looks down his pants, and slightly surprised, says “how did you know?”
Genie says “I’ve been doin this a while.”

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
“VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento”

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.”

Last night I was drunk and told myself I needed to stop drinking. I went into the fridge the next day and grabbed a beer
Cause I’m not going to listen to a fucking drunk talking to themselves.

My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am……
…..
an Ice Cube

My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I’d been hiding.
She got really mad and said she’s never going to play Scrabble with me again.

Sex is like pizza

Even when it’s bad, they still expect me to pay for it

I’m really not worried about anti-vaxxers…..
It’s a dying movement.

What small thing screams “I’m rich”?
A dwarf who just won the lottery.